More than just sadness

I started drafting this post last Saturday after reading a post on James Deakin’s page about a certain car that drove off the 4th or 5th level of a parking building. What struck we was a certain comment saying that the girl who’s driving the car committed suicide because of a broken heart. May her soul rest in peace. I got curious about what happened so I searched for her Facebook account. What I saw was sadness. She was already showing signs of depression and yet nobody noticed. All you can see are comments saying “gaga mo” or “move on ka na”. It’s as if nobody took her feelings seriously. As I was checking her account, I really couldn’t help but feel sad and feel a little ache in my heart. I know some might even say, “Ang OA mo naman, hindi mo naman siya kilala.” But for someone who feel so much and have had a fair share of heartaches, I understand how hard it can be.

You see, I suffered (or still suffering) from depression too. I’m actually afraid to admit that I got depressed. I worry too much about what other people might think or say. I’d imagine them saying “Hindi yan depression, iyakin ka lang talaga.”. My ex even told me that everything was self-inflicted. I wish it was just that, that I was just pusong mamon or balat-sibuyas, that I was just being too dramatic about the break-up. But I knew it was more than just sadness. I knew something was wrong.

I had a hard time dealing with it. Feeling ko talaga nababaliw ako because I really don’t know what was happening to me. Madalas akong tulala. I lost interest on almost everything. I never wanted to go out but had no choice because I “NEED” to go to work. I was physically there but mentally out. I lost focus and motivation. There were days that I never wanted to talk to anyone, all I want was to be alone. There were days I couldn’t sleep and days wherein I did nothing but sleep. I was always exhausted even though I was in bed the whole day. I’d cry non-stop, felt like I was drowning in my own tears and get anxiety attacks. I was totally lost and felt really unsure of my existence. The lines “Para kanino ka bumabangon?” no longer mean anything. I literally felt heavy and broken, everything aches, everything hurts. I felt hopeless knowing that I can’t do anything to stop it. I badly want to make it stop, I wanted to end all the pain I’m feeling. Was I suicidal? Hindi naman, but I’d say I thought about it too.

But you see, I tried to find ways on how I can deal with it. Blogging and sharing about what I feel helped me a lot. But people don’t seem to understand how it is. Keeping it all to myself is a complete torture. Felt like I was a bomb just waiting to explode. It really hurts how some people would react. I’d usually get the “Puro ka na naman hugot”, “Anong drama na naman yan”, “Move on kana girl” comments. Don’t get me wrong, I know you’re all trying to make me feel better, but those words are actually hurtful and invalidating. And sometimes, it makes me feel worse that how I actually feel. I appreciate those who would just listen. As in really listen, Mas naappreciate ko ung mga taong handa lang makinig. Yung hahayaan lang ako maglabas ng nararamdaman. Yung walang halong panghuhusga. Yung ipaparamdam sayo na valid yang nararamdaman mo, na magiging okay din ang lahat.

Sa makakabasa nito…
Hindi sapat na dahilan na makita ang isang tao na nakangiti, o tumatawa para sabihing “OKAY SIYA”.
Hindi sapat na sabihing “palaban tong taong to, kaya niyan”.
Wag kayong magsasawa makinig at umintindi.
You can save a life just by learning to understand how someone feels.

And if you’re suffering from depression, PLEASE never be afraid to ask for help.
Let us all spread awareness. Let us all break the stigma!
P.S: I am no expert on depression or any mental health issues, everything written are based on my personal experiences.

And today, I am finishing this post with a VERY HEAVY HEART. To Jourdan Asistio, thank you for being such a wonderful friend, for telling me that the world has 7 billion people in it at hindi ko kawalan kung iniwan ako ng isang tao. And for telling me to enjoy life. Ayaw mo akong umiiyak pero Dano, ikaw lang pala ung makakapag-paiyak ulit sakin ng ganito. I’m really sorry if things didn’t go well for you. I wish we were all there to help you. Mahal na mahal ka namin. May your soul Rest in Peace

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